I have a habit that I've had since I was a baby, and my mom says I'm going to lose all my eyelashes to it. For some reason, when I'm stressed, emotionally crazed, tired, reading something (mainly a book), uncertain about something, or at an extreme almost negative emotion that doesn't involve doing much (like crying or screaming) but involves sitting and staring somewhere, I play with my eyelashes. It used to be that I'd play with one eye normally. We have pictures of me as a three year old, sucking my thumb and playing with the eyelashes on my right eye (the top row of lashes) with my pinky, hands stretched across the right side of my face. It's basically a comfort blanket (seeing as the "blankie" was retired when I was 5ish) and you can tell I've got nothing to do, or am feeling emotionally bad when I start playing with my eyelashes.
Since I was three, my range of eyelash playing has moved from just the right eye to both the right and the left eye. Sometimes I use my pinky, other times I use other parts of my fingers (back of a knuckle, first finger, back of hand), other times I throw my arm across my face (right before I go to sleep) and I'll flutter my eyelashes across the sensitive skin of my upper arm. It's all a comfort thing. I don't understand it, but I do it. Mom says I'll end up with no eyelashes some day because I do this, or I'll end up with lashes that have been broken in half, but I keep doing it. Normally I can tell how engaging a book is by looking in the mirror after reading it and checking my eyelashes. If I haven't worn mascara for a while, it's hard to put mascara on and keep my eyelashes straight if I've been playing with them heavily because they're mutilated and twisted around each other. I probably also lose WAY more eyelashes than anyone else I know because of this habit. If you were ever to run into me on a day I was wearing mascara and look closely at my lashes, you'd be able to tell which ones were broken and where I've destroyed others. My lashes are also not nearly as thick as they could be if I didn't do this.
Why am I telling you all this?
Because I'm home from college, getting ready to face student teaching starting in January. I'm looking at a semester with none of my college friends, my close friends, nearby. Both my sister and Michael will be at least three hours away with these friends (as they make up part of the group of friends). My campus ministry will also be three hours away. The family I've created for myself (that God has created for me as a support system at college) will be three hours away. And I'm on an emotional roller-coaster.
I cried at least once for the first five days of being home (and I've only been home 6 days), sometimes it wasn't much, sometimes it was a lot, but part of me doesn't even want to be home. I don't want to lose sight of God's goodness, but sometimes everything overwhelms me. I know in my head that God has planned everything down to when a hair on my head falls off, but at the same time, not knowing what's ahead doesn't help my nerves, or the fact that I'm lonely.
So why did I start this post of with a confession about my silly, slightly stupid, all-telling habit of playing with my eyelashes?
Because my eyelashes are more mutilated right now than they have been in a while. What does that tell you?
If you could pray for me that God would be my strength and that I would seek God's glory in all of this, I would appreciate it. Also, if you could pray that my eyelashes don't die before this is all done. Going into student teaching with no eyelashes would be very ... interesting.