Thursday, October 8, 2009
It's amazing how the weather and a good night's sleep can affect ones mood. (By "ones" I mean "my" of course.) And yet even though my mood is crazy, and up and down, God's goodness is not affected. God cannot be affected by my mood, by the weather, by classes or anything. The only thing it can be influenced by is the day. God's goodness and mercy are NEW every day. They're not old. They never get old!
This week has been a strange one. I was tired going into it, and recently, I've been realizing that I really wish I could be in a relationship, though I am also realizing that it's not important, because God has ordained when and whether it even happens. Let me tell it this way:
When I get tired I dream very vividly. This semester has been very tiring. I've been getting about seven and a half hours of sleep a night, if that. The only time I get more is on the weekends, and normally it's not much more... I've been sleeping poorly because for some reason, my shoulders and back become very tense in the middle of the night, so while I go to sleep relaxed, I wake up tense and because of that stuffy. This is the reason I normally don't get more then 9 hours of sleep on the weekends, unless I have a headache. Needless to say, I dream very very vividly when I am tired, exhausted. Most of the time I'll remember for about 30 seconds after I wake up, but very occasionally, I'll remember them later, throughout most of the day. The thing is, lately, I've been remembering only the dreams that seem to affect me the most. My consciousness seems to think, Oh, this one will really rattle her, let's remember this one. And because I have recently been wishing that there was a someone who could come along side me and support me and be there for me and love me, someone I could do the same for, well, every time I have a dream that falls into that category, it seems that I remember it.
About the end of last week, I had two dreams, about two days apart. I had one dream in which a young man who is constantly in my life, who plays banjo in my RUF praise team, starred. In this dream I dreamed (what else would I do in a dream, really?) that he was very concerned about the fact that I'd hopped a ride with a friend on his motorcycle, minus a helmet, and didn't I know that I could die? The fact that the dream young man was concerned about my dream self caused a realization between our dream selves that we really liked each other. Naturally, when I woke up I was all in a dither because of this dream. It's a dream, yes, but I've been told by various people through out my life that dreams are great ways to interpret emotion. I decided I needed to not do that with this dream. It's not smart. Then about two days later, I had another dream, this time about another young man who I know less well, and whom I contra-dance with. I know I don't have feelings for this second young man. Dreams are silly, and one should not base feelings off dream feelings.
Then comes this week. I was feeling particularly gloomy, Monday afternoon and evening and felt a bit like I could cry the later half of the day. I didn't feel pretty. Monday night I didn't get great sleep; Tuesday morning was brutal. I actually got out of bed to check and make sure that I couldn't skip my first class that day. I was dreary Tuesday as well. Again, not very pretty. I was tired, and out of sorts, and when I'm tired and out of sorts, I just want a hug, or someone to care for me, someone to take me by the shoulders and shake me a little and say, "GO TO BED. YOU NEED SLEEP." and then to assure me that they'll take care of me, no matter what my mood. What I'm trying to say is that when I'm tired and gloomy, my relationship gap becomes painfully obvious to me, and I can't see two feet in front of me.
I had praise team practice tuesday night, and during a rather lively discussion with one of the members, Josh, about good music, we both discovered that we liked the same band, Shane & Shane. He was asking me what music I have from them and was appalled to find out that I didn't have any, because I don't have money to buy any... Anyway, praise team continued, and I left disgruntled, because I was going to have to walk, first to the music building, and then home, in the dark. I grumbled through both walks because nobody had thought to offer me a ride. By the time I got home, I had completely lost sight of God and any goodness He might have.
When I had walked in the door, and set my stuff down, I looked first to my desk, and there was a letter there from my grandma. In it was 50 much needed dollars. She said she was praying I wouldn't lose my smile. I was shocked. Next, after finding food, I opened my computer and then my email. I found in my email to itunes gifts from Josh. They were both Shane & Shane songs. The first one was "You Said", talking about how if we ask, God will pour out his love and blessings on us. The second "This is the day the Lord has made". Both were songs with messages I needed to hear. God pointed me back to Himself, in the matter of about 5 minutes. He is amazing. He showed me, very simply that He could fill me both physically (the money) and spiritually (the songs). I love and (try to) worship an amazing God. Amazing.