I can say that since the last blog and this one, not much has changed on the waiting and I-have-no-control front. But things have changed. Over the past weekend, in one way or another (I promise I'll get it all out when it's been resolved), when Sam and I were hanging out, his feelings (positive) for me and my feelings (also positive) for him came out.
Considering I am a year above him, and getting ready to graduate next year, and because he had kinda recently realized that he had more feelings for me than as a brother, we've decided to evaluate our relationship. Also, neither of us want to date frivolously. There would be no point in doing that. If we were to date, we'd want it to be leading, eventually towards something. As scary as the word "marriage" sounds, I can honestly say that after about five days of wrestling with myself, with God, with questions my parents have proposed, I am willing to take a step forward into a dating relationship with Sam (whose real name will possibly come out if this all resolves itself in the dating direction) with the intent towards possible marriage later on.
Now all I have to do is wait on Sam. Yay waiting.
"I hate waiting."
When I say things haven't changed at all, I still mean that while he says his feelings for me go deeper than as a friend, or brother, I am still terrified that he isn't going to think that I'm worth pursuing further. During the summer I live at home three hours away from him, and neither of us have a car. When I student teach two semesters from now, I'll be living at home. If we were to date, we'd have one more semester together on campus, and then it would be a long distance relationship for three semesters at least, unless he came and student taught in my home town.
And he's always taken his time in deciding. Even when it comes to crossing the street, he takes his time deciding when to go without getting both of us killed, while I often make a split second decision on crossing the street that has him sometimes worried for both our lives.
Right now, all I can do is pray and wait. Pray that God leads Sam in the right direction and that my heart would be okay with it no matter which decision it is. And then wait for him to tell me, or call my dad. Which ever his decision is. Waiting is agony. Torture. God is stretching me for all I'm worth. And yet, I know that, like the merciful God He is, He won't stretch me past my breaking point.
If you're reading this, please pray that I am given unlimited supplies of patience and the ability to use all of it. Without stomach pains, or ulcers.