Civil War

How many times have I posted about trust, about love, about God's sovereignty?

In my last post, (remember the one on trust?), I made a public declaration that I would not pursue a romantic relationship with the young man, who for privacy's sake, I'm still going to call Sam. I made a public declaration that I wouldn't pursue any type of relationship like that with anyone.

I lied.

I quickly started falling back into the old habit of texting him constantly, of almost stalking him, trying to find out where he was at all times, of looking for him between classes, of asking him to go to lunch with me a couple of times. In essence, I was pursuing him. I love hanging out with him, and his friendship is important to me, but I want something more too, and it's kinda driving me up the wall.

As much as I let a guy know my feelings for him, I will never tell him outright that I like him. I know that I need to have him say it first. He needs to be the one to take that first step. And with him taking that first step, I also want to feel pursued.

Sam is so quiet and laid back that he wasn't (isn't) going fast enough for my high spiritedness, my eagerness to jump into everything. I was trying to hurry things along.

And then I went home for Easter Break this past weekend. I had good talks with both my mom and with my best friend. Both said the same thing: "Stop initiating." I worried, I fretted, I bit my nails (okay, so I didn't bite my nails, but if I had a nervous habit, I would have been doing that). I knew they were right. I hadn't been sitting back and letting God take care of everything. It's just so hard. As an oldest child, I am the one that normally gets out there and starts bushwhacking. It's hard to sit back and let someone else take their own speed, if they're taking any speed at all.

So, I stopped texting Sam. I would let him text me first before texting him. I stopped initiating. So far it's really only the third day, but already, I've broken down twice (that happened last night), and I'm not going to invite him to have lunch or dinner or do anything with me. If he wishes, I'm going to let him pursue me. I'm scared though, that he's not going to want to pursue me. I'm terrified that he won't want to pursue me. I have trouble figuring out why I'd want to pursue me. If I don't want to pursue me, why would he even bother?

But again, God has been gracious, more-so than I deserve. Over and over again, I've been overwhelmed by His all consuming love for me. Each time it makes me want to cry, or it does make me cry. I am no more deserving of God's love than the serial killer on the street corner, and yet for some reason He does love me. I don't know why, but hopefully, His grace will be enough to sustain me in this battle I am fighting with myself.