Saturday, April 19, 2014

The Color of Miscarriage during Easter

Lately everything has been colored by my miscarriage. Everything. In the past two months I've done so much that feels like it would be different if not for Alexandra. She's not here anymore, but she has left a mark on my heart.

Easter Sunday is tomorrow. Even Easter has changed for me. I chose to forget in my grief over losing my small, tiny child that God knows, really knows, what it's like to lose a child too. I assumed that God in his infinite-ness couldn't know what it is like to lose a child.

But here at Easter, I am forcibly reminded that the all powerful, good, loving God knows not only what it is to lose a child, but what it is to sacrifice his child for those who hate Him as well.

I should, if I were a selfless person, be relieved that Alexandra didn't have to live more that 4-6 weeks inside of me in this broken world. She, instead, gets to spend the rest of forever in God's arms, possibly running the streets of gold. She gets to spend time in a place that has no more pain or suffering and is in the very presence of God. (He is the light of Heaven!) And yet, I, as a selfish person, couldn't easily let her go. I still want her here with me. I would have her experience life in a world that hates God, just so I could hold her.

God loves so much better than I do. Instead of selfishly keeping his Son to Himself, He sends Him to this broken, hateful world to die for His enemies, one of which was me. I can't willingly let Alexandra go to God's arms, which is an infinitely better place than here, and yet God willingly killed His Son for His enemies. What unfathomable love and mercy is this? I used to think I knew all about love, but now, I have a hard time grasping just how DEEP Divine love can be.

O, the deep, deep love of Jesus,
vast, unmeasured, boundless, free!
Rolling as a mighty ocean,
in its fullness over me!
Underneath me, all around me,
is the current of Thy love.
Leading onward, leading homeward,
to thy glorious rest above.

O, the deep, deep love of Jesus,
spread His praise from shore to shore!
How He loveth, ever loveth,
changeth never, nevermore.
How he watches o'er his loved ones,
died to call them all His own.
How for them he intercedeth,
watcheth o'er them from the throne!

O, the deep, deep love of Jesus,
love of every love the best.
'Tis an ocean full of blessing,
'tis a haven giving rest.
O, the deep, deep love of Jesus,
'tis a heaven of heavens to me;
and it lifts me up to glory,
for it lifts me up to Thee!


Post Script, I do want to mention, that Jesus would not have had to come to die if the world, through Adam and Eve, had not sinned and fallen so very, very short of the glory of God. Every one reading this, whether you agree or not, has at some point sinned and that in itself was cause for Jesus to come. I have sinned so often, that even as a Christian, I still need Him and His death on the bloody, brutal cross each day. How great is God's love that, even while I was still His enemy, in rebellion and sin against Him, He sent His Son to die an awful death for me.

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